It feels like it's happening all over again.  I sat in the bathroom today at the doctor's office just crying and crying until my face was ruddy.  All because this stubborn child has decided that they would prefer to be a yogi and sit cross legged with their feet up in their crotch the whole time.  They were moving a lot... just without uncrossing their legs enough to get a good look.

And the thing is I don't really care.  I wasn't sure I wanted to know anyway, and if G were here, he would have found out and I would have been in the dark.  But because he's gone, I'm finding out for him... or not.  Because I don't want to do anymore of these.  It feels like trying to get pregnant all over again.

When we were ttc before, it was hell.  If we told anyone, suddenly we were being asked all the time if we were (and this was after previously being hounded about when we were going to try for kids... horrific when you secretly are and it isn't working out).  I'm super cautious to not do that to friends because I know how painful it can be to smile and say "not yet" even though it's like a knife.  The well intentioned advice that stings.  The calls you send to voicemail.  The people who insinuate something might be wrong, when you really don't need to hear that.

So that's kind of how it is now.  People want to know.  But we won't.  Baby has clearly decided to keep us all guessing.  And seeing as how today almost had me in a puddle in the bathroom because I didn't want to have to tell anyone, I think it's for the best.