Sweet Smooshy

Lately, your daddy has been able to get you to fall asleep in his arms deeply enough that he can lay you down in your crib to nap.  And if gives us usually only a half hour, but a half hour that we can use to spend together or clean up with all 4 hands (rather than 1 of us being preoccupied with you and your silliness). 

But the other night he did it at bed time.  He turned on the monitor and came upstairs and we could hear you sleeping away.  I had a hard time getting to sleep that night.  And when a little over an hour and a half later you awoke, I was more than ready for cuddles.  I don't think either of us are really ready to sleep without the other.

The same thing happened tonight, only it was before I was going to bed.  You were asleep in your crib and your daddy and I got to watch t.v. all by ourselves.  But the second I heard you crying, I rushed down and could see you outlined, standing in your crib, crying.  I scooped you up and smooched on you and brought you upstairs, where upon arrival you started to nurse, only to immediately drift back to sleep.

It won't always be like this.  These moments will go so quickly and no amount of me wanting to slow time down seems to be doing so.  I wish that to stop your tears at any point in your life it was as easy as swooping you up and loving on you.  But since that's not possible.  Since someday down the road your tears will simply have to be cried, and the hurts felt, I'll take the moments in. 

I love you.
Mama

Delight

You, my daughter, delight in life.  Everything causes you to pause and then your eyes twinkle, your nose twitches as it scrunches up and you giggle as if the beauty of life is such a delightful surprise.  You cause me to see beauty in the mundane.

And it's these moments where I see the mixture of your daddy and me.  Your face is so like mine, from it's roundness to the pointy chin.  I used to hate my chin, but seeing it on you I'm starting to learn to love it.  And then your eyes are large and rounder like mine, but the muscle structure is like your daddy's and they crinkle as you smile, closing to smaller slits.  The dimples appear and it's a common remark to hear that you are so like a mischievous elf.

I whisper in your ear that I hope you never lose this wonder, this fascination with and love of life.  And then you reach out your hand to my face and laugh, as if the concept is hilarious.

My how I love you, ma petite.

Puddle

My heart melted into a little puddle today.  I finally got you to say your first word, and contrary to what is more common it wasn't dada.  You streamed off mamamamamama all day long.  And then this evening you were in your nursery playing with your daddy and you heard my voice and began crawling to the door saying "Mama."  Your daddy told me this and I just sort of started tearing up.

You are the most amazing little girl.  You light up a room, drawing attention in because you are almost always smiling.  My happy babbling love.

Now, let's work on saying Dada.  I'm sure he'd appreciate it being before "Milkies." 

Dear Empress Eleanor,

I love you.  At 7 months old you are small but mighty.  You get excited and begin scrambling to crawl up and over me. And when you want something, you can overpower me and literally force your way to it.  You have begun to really enjoy getting tickled and there are lots of peals of laughter.  And you recently pushed yourself up, arms straight.  Once you can get your knees under you we'll be in trouble!

I love that you and I continue to share a really close bond.  That you love to just stare up at me when I'm wearing you, or just look at me in the mornings and smile.  And lately you've begun to grab my head, turn it how you want it and lay a smooch on me. 

You are thriving, no matter what your weight tells.  You are considered the "smiliest baby ever" by so many people.  You are strong.  And smart.  You seem to be picking up new skills almost daily (which terrifies me a bit).  And I love getting to just watch you watch the world.

Love,
Mama

Enduring

Today I've questioned my ability and my desire to be a mother.  So many people tell us that we're amazing parents and that we definitely seem to love this.  And most of the time, I do.  Most of the time I look at you, my sweet, smiling daughter and my heart swells and I love being your mama. 

And then there are days like today.  Days where I find myself just wishing you wouldn't need me so much, that you'd shutup and stop fussing, and that for the love of God why can't you find comfort in your daddy's arms the same as mine.  Where you won't nap or play by yourself.  Where I shout and snap and can't seem to catch a break.  And I cry and you laugh because everything I do you delight in. 

I feel so in over my head.  I work so hard to pump an extra few ounces in between feedings, terrified you aren't getting enough, only to discover you really don't like taking a bottle.  I used to dream of a plump little roly poly baby and now I spend most days stressing over how slender you are. 

Some day you're going to be a mama and you'll read this and understand.  Never have I loved something that pushes me so far to my limits of endurance.  I don't know why God made me your mama, and I am sure I'll fail often.  But I am determined to do the best I can. 

Vanity Fair

My daughter is the future wicked queen from Snow White.  I can almost picture her demanding from the mirror to know that she is the prettiest in the land.  And I'm just hoping she doesn't decide I'm competition and send a huntsman for me in some sort of weird fairy tale twist.

Nora, my love, I record these moments because I want you to know what you were like as a small baby.  Ridiculously funny would be the best description.  You were in your exersaucer turning yourself upside down to gaze at yourself in the mirror behind you.  Repeatedly.  Your daddy and I joke that you've yet to meet a mirror you don't like. 

At times this makes things super easy.  I can cheer you up just by getting in front of a mirror and making faces at you. 

I want to raise a daughter who knows that she is worth more than her looks.  That her value comes from her mind and her heart.  That you are amazing aside from your cuteness. 

But you are pretty stinkin' cute!

Why We Co-Sleep With Nora*

*Or, "How we became the accidental co-sleepers."

Before Eleanor was born, G and I discussed it thoroughly and we both agreed that having her next to the bed for the first several months was important.  But, as many know, when Nora was born she had super high hemoglobin levels, which ended up with 2 different hospital stays for jaundice.  I spent a lot of time crying, terrified.  On the way to the hospital at one point, I remember sitting in the back, stroking my listless newborn's head, absolutely afraid she was going to have permanent damage.

So needless to say, it was a rough time.  On top of everything else, she loves to sleep, and waking her for the feedings---necessary to get the jaundice levels down, as the fluids flush it out---was a nightmare.  We even tried touching her with cold ice cubes, and she batted them away.  Eventually, out of sheer exhaustion, I fell asleep with her in the bed early one morning while nursing.  I woke up, saw she was still in our bed, and freaked out.  I was afraid of rolling over on her, of killing my own child accidentally.  But I realized that physically, because of the way we have her, it was impossible to do so.  And she was calm, sleeping peacefully (rather than her normal fitful sleep).  We decided to try just having her in bed, in a certain position on my arm.  And it worked.

Each day I wake up to a little one who is wide eyed, staring at me.  As soon as she sees my eyes open she grins and I start to sing "Good Morning" from Singing in the Rain.  "Good morning, goood mooorning, you slept the whole night through, good morning, good morning to yoooouuu!" She is joyful, smiling bigger, her dimples getting deep and her eyes crinkling like her daddy's.

We love having her in bed.  Garret says he's surprised but that he loves having her with us.  Yes, it means she's used to falling asleep with me, so for naps I have to lie with her, nurse her.  But once she's out I can generally get up and do other things.  We know that if we have a second child any time in the near future it means 2 in bed.  I used to wonder how on earth we'd get a kid out if we let them start, but realize (from those other co-sleepers I know) that it's a natural progression...that some day she'll be excited about her own bed.  And then I'll have to train her to come crawl in bed after her daddy leaves so that I can wake up to her happy face!

For now her nursery sits, pretty much empty.  We've got plans to transform it into a playroom, with a toddler bed for naps and the day she eventually wants to try out a night on her own.  But for now?  Well I'm just delighting in having this bond with her....and to never ever waking up to a crying baby!