In Stitches

I think it's normal... this need to create something for your child.  To make it more real.  So yesterday afternoon at a little after 3:30 I began to knit a baby blanket.  Throughout the evening I've knit and knit and knit, and now, 12 hours later I have almost exactly 12 inches of blanket.  I set a goal to finish it by the end of June.  Something tells me by then I'll have a blanket and a little sweater and socks and booties.  I've found knitting to be very calming, easy to focus on... until my hands start to hurt, which is why after 12 hours I'm taking a break (not that I knit for 12 hours straight, I did have driving and eating in there as well!). 

Maybe it's early nesting?  Because I also have begun writing down all the things I want to sew beforehand too.  Blankets, burp cloths, crib sheets, hooded towel, the list just goes on and on and on.  I've always felt best when I'm creating and I'm finding this time it's more than true.  My brain is constantly on go, trying to think of things to do.  And as soon as my energy level get a bit higher, maybe I'll succeed! 

For the blanket I learned to knit in the round on attached needles.  Turns out so simple, and I've also already learned the stitches I'll need in order to make socks and such.  If I can get it all done ahead of time that will give me plenty of time in the end to rest.  Right? 

Fears and Fury

My biggest fear is having this child and something happening to me or Garret.  We've had to talk about wills and who we would want to raise our children and it's this huge complicated thing.  Because I would never leave my child willingly, so the idea of having no choice is terrifying.

It makes me so angry at people who walk away from their kids for selfish reasons.  I just don't get it.  And if you're gonna walk away, then walk the hell away and don't complicate their lives by trying to have a part with no responsibility.  That sort of person is so low in my eyes. 

So much swirling in my head right now.  I started this blog to keep G up with the baby as well as eventually to print it out for our child to have.  I know that we'll have little failures in our parenting, but we're both planning to strive to really truly raise a child who knows without a doubt that they are loved, valued, and that we care about their feelings and opinions.  Parisienne Farmgirl wrote such an excellent post on listening to your children that I read it aloud to G over skype.  And we discuss things like the morals and qualities we hope to instill in our children, how hard it will be, but how very important it is to raise that sort of child.

Preparing for all of this has put me in a different state of mind.  G feels the same.  Suddenly poor parenting decisions stand out even more to us.  And when I see a parent out in public parenting well I want to applaud them.  It won't be easy, but seeing children who behave well and are kind makes me think that it's worth the strife. 

Dear Escargot,

Your mama and you need to have a talk.  Clearly you got my point about spicy food as we've been enjoying salsa galore as well as Indian curries.  However, may I please state that China and India are both Asian countries your mama likes to sample the wares of?  Because you seem to hate Chinese food with a vengeance.  And whether or not you like broccoli, little one, you will be eating it.  Don't even think about arguing. 

Also, what on earth is up with an excellent first trimester with at most a couple of weeks of "morning sickness," followed now by nausea in the second.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I understand hormone fluctuations and that this is probably a good sign of you health.  But for real?

How about we make a deal?  I'll get more sleep (because clearly I need to), and you keep that nausea to yourself?  Ok?

Love,
Mama

Dear Little Escargot,

Wow!  We made it to the second trimester.  And I finally feel like eating again, though I'm still grazing mainly on fruits and carbs.  You did really seem to like the scrambled eggs with crimini mushrooms and asparagus, so I've picked up more things for that.  And of course, spicy salsa seems to not cause any issues at all, thank goodness!

Daddy says his program says you're about 3 inches long.  Uber tiny.  I can't wait to see you next week, dancing around, and maybe finally hear that heart of yours! 

It's true Daddy and I are worried about the changes you'll bring.  We want to be the best parents for you, and that is going to require making sure we make time for us.  Luckily I think we'll get good at bringing you along for dinner, and a bit later we have friends who are just dying to watch you for an evening.  (They're a wee bit excited for you to get here!) 

I'm amazed that suddenly you're little home in me is starting to push out a bit.  Mama and jeans are an interesting combination.  Some fit, some don't, some are still loose.  But it's okay.  It's dress season!  And I really, I don't mind you growing one bit.

You are an amazing thing, kid.

Love,
Mama

Mon Petit Escargot,

I truly hope that God grants you the virtue of patience in a larger dose than he granted me.  In fact, it is definitely one I hope to instill in you, and I'll soon be looking up ways to do so.  Because your mama is the most impatient person of all....which highly contradicts with her desire to make things last as long as possible.

I cannot wait to smell your sweet skin.  I even can't wait to change diapers.  I can't wait until they place you in my arms and I feel this weight in my arms that is love overflowing.

But, in keeping with my impatient nature I can't wait until the coming years either.  The first time you "cook" me something in your play kitchen.  The first thing you color me that I display proudly.  The first time we play hide and seek when you're still young enough to not know that sometimes mamas prolong the seeking part.  The first time I hear you read part of your bedtime story.

I'm looking down that road and I am thrilled beyond anything I can even comprehend.  This journey can take as long as it needs to, with as many twists and turns.  In the end, no matter what, you will be perfection personified. 

Love,
Mama

Less Caffeine

I have not given up caffeine altogether (believe me, you would not like the blogger I would be if that were the case).  Instead I know that technically I'm allowed 2-3 cups of coffee a day.  So instead, I opt for a chai tea latte (has less caffeine than a cup of coffee, even at the largest size), or a half decaf half regular cup.

And tonight was the real test.  I headed to Starbucks to get out of the house and read some more of Jane Eyre and I had a free drink postcard from them because of my birthday (and because I'm a gold card member who rocks.....In the last month I've had another free drink as well as a free treat....mmmmm caramel bar).  I looked at the menu.  I thought, "I should get a chai."  But I wanted something different.  So I calmly ordered a half decaf mocha, the largest size.  I figure that means no more than half of it was reg. which is no more than I'm allowed.  And it was delicious and gave me the energy boost I needed.

Because without some caffeine I wouldn't be functioning these days.  There is a reason most of my get togethers with friends involves caffeine....I'd be asleep otherwise!  For instance, I'll wake up at 12:30 p.m., do nothing much,  be tired by 2/2:30, but thinking "this is ridiculous" and refuse to nap, maybe make it to 7, take a nap for a few hours, then be up until 1:30/2 a.m. and repeat.  Add that up:  that makes me up for about 10 hours a day, versus the normal person's 16-18.  But I know it's important to get sleep to grow this little snail, so I do it, but within reason.  Because there is a damn good reason my house always seems to be messy lately.  I do one task and am ready for a nap!

Still, caffeine can cause problems, so I cut back.  I add water and juice to help dilute it in the baby's system.  But for a coffee and tea lover, to ask me to quit would be insane.  And from what I've read, wholly unnecessary.

Why Glee Makes Me Cry

Glee is such an over the top show.  They are trying to fit a million stereotypes into a series, and hey, whatever.  The thing is I was that girl in high school who pretty much got along with everyone.  Sure, we had disagreements, but I was never bullied, and I sure as hell wasn't the one torturing someone else.  But I've seen friends who had nasty things said about them, and friends who were the ones saying the horrible things.

Tonight's episode, Prom, was really interesting to me.  I never saw that much drama in my own high school experience, but I know it goes on.  And it makes me worry for this child of mine.  Will I raise them well?  Will they stand up for those who are being bullied?  Will they stand tall if something is said about them?  Will they know that high school is just a bull shit phase of life, and that only the most sad people look back on it and think it was the best days of their lives?

I've told my brothers that life after high school only gets better.  When you step out into the real world you don't have to conform as much to your peers, that you get to choose who you are with less repercussions.  Sure, workplace rules are something else.  But whether you secretly harbor a love of cheesy pop music generally doesn't matter to anyone.  And whom you love, to those who matter, is only up to how they treat you rather than who they are.

I was a theatre and choir kid, and my husband was a band geek (he played drums, for those interested), and no, not until our final semester did we really hang out.  We did do Science Knowledge Bowl together.  We are both kinda wicked smart.  But you know what?  Those things really have nothing to do with our lives anymore.  I chose to walk away from acting for what I consider a more "normal" life, and G has not yet been permitted to start a band that practices in our basement.  I've looked back on photos of us from high school and it just makes me laugh.....like a good wine, we've both gotten much better with age.

I want this child to know that.  To know that no one defines who you are.  That sometimes the place you're in can feel restricting, but if you just take a leap of faith and move on, you can move into a place where you are who you are without caring what others think.  I worry about the kids these days.  I worry that no one is telling them that.  That they rock, and if the place they're in can't recognize that in them, then they can roll right along to a place that does.  Life is too short to try and fit into a box that isn't you.