Eleanor,

Lately you've been saying something that is your version of "I love you" and occasionally when asked how much I love you, along with your constant throwing your arms out will utter something that is meant to be "this much!"  But tonight I got you to say it all stringed to together, arms thrown wide, "I love you this much!"  My heart melted into a puddle.

Loving you is beyond easy.  You're affectionate, hilarious, full of life.  Even when you're angry with me and you throw something down in defiance, I have to fight laughing.  Because in those moments, when I stare you down, you inevitable break into a grin and come running for a hug.  To say you are a delight doesn't really encompass it enough. 

I know that as you grow we'll have tough times.  I feel this huge responsibility to make sure to really cultivate a great relationship between us through patience and love.  And I will love you through the tough times, praying we'll be the better for it.

Right now you're growing and changing and finding your own way.  Some days it is harder.  To teach you to control your temper.  To catch myself when I feel irritated by normal toddler behaviour.  To laugh at the little naughty moments as you explore boundaries (such as trying to close the baby gate behind you so you can run up the stairs).  But the moments when you curl into me or you forcibly grab my face to plant one on me make the hard moments worth it. 

How on earth did we ever exist without you?  You make the days sweeter than southern iced tea, my love.

I love you,
Mama

Dear Eleanor,

As I type this you lay beside me, snoozing away, not a care in the world.  I've held you a lot lately, thanking God for giving you to me.  Praying you never ever get taken from me.

I love our small little family.  It wasn't until your father and you that I truly understood unconditional love.  Even when I'm beyond exhausted and you've been trying to drive me crazy I still pick you up and croon to you and rock you.  I worried that I would have no idea how to be the type of mama I wanted to be, and yet, you do make it easy.

You're mischievous, and brighter than I suspect one your age is supposed to be.  You know when I might be getting annoyed and you lean in and smooch me, as if that makes it all better.  Your daddy and I laugh because it usually does.  I spent much of my life feeling as if I had to earn being loved, and yet you give it so freely it's startling.  In that respect you are your father's child, and both of you are a blessing.

You are a loving child, who loves to give smooches and hugs.  If I offer to snuggle you come in and curl into me.  And we giggle for hours on end most days.  You get a glint in your eye and you're off and running, laughing as we chase you.  You recently mastered going up stairs, and you head over, glancing back to make sure we've noticed, and then glancing back each step up until we rush and in a fit of giggles, sweep you off them.

But you also have my temper.  The bitter with the sweet, I suppose.  I've always said to your daddy that unfortunately my passion comes in spades, both good and bad.  And you seem to have inherited that.  You began flinging yourself backwards at 4 months, and at 16 months, it's become too much to handle, we simply lie you down and wait it out.  You get so frustrated, so annoyed.  And your scowls...my goodness, they're so perfect they make us laugh.  But you always, always want cuddles once it's over.  You seem to need reassurance that all is right in your world.

I will never not love you, my love.  I dare say I will never stop wanting to snuggle with you, even if you grow and are no longer so eager.  But I do hope we stay close.  It is my most fervent prayer.

Je t'aime,
Mama

You first took 6 real steps on Christmas Eve.  And then nothing.  You're headstrong and didn't seem to want to at all.  But late this Sunday night (January 13) you continually took 6-8 steps.  And today, your daddy and I got you to go back and forth between us by being silly and putting a tutu on our heads.  You laughed, completely delighted with yourself.

I know you, my sweet girl.  So fearless, but only when you're sure.  Your other new thing is to drop off the side of our bed, trusting that I'm there just in case you slip.  You still need us as a safety net, still rely on crawling because you're more sure.

My hope for you is that you learn how amazingly strong you are.  That just like tonight, instead of cautious steps, you go forth with rapid faith, laughing at life's possibilities.

It's New Year's Day, 2 a.m.  You're down with your daddy because lately that's the best way to get you to sleep.  Otherwise you'd nurse and nurse and not sleep well.  Tonight we popped bubbly and lit sparklers and the delight on your face....the perfect way to say goodbye to one year and usher in the new.

Then we sat upstairs and you handed me your brush so that I would brush your hair until the end of time.  It seems so mundane, but I'm fascinated.  Each moment I take in the fact that God knew exactly what he was doing giving me you.  I delight in how much like me you are.  How happy you are.  How much of a girly girl you can be (while also scaling things like a professional rock climber).

I could type a million cheesy memes phrases because for me they are all true.  Instead I'd rather you remember with your own memories how you are constantly told and shown how loved you are.  That you may not be the thing our world revolves around, but that you're better...you're a piece of our heart we guard closely. 

So in 2013 I hope to do an even better job of savoring the moments.  More play time, more time exploring, and much more time just pausing from my own life and snuggling your close. 

It's an afternoon.  We're in the office.  You are getting into absolutely everything, as you do best.  I tell you "no" about touching something and you turn and just stare me down.

We do this a lot.  Staring contests.  Your strong will versus mine.  It's epic, really. 

But you know what?  I love that you're a mini me.  I love that you are a girl with a strong personality.  I hope I can nurture that while teaching you to be kind and to know when to walk away from a fight that isn't worth it.

Early this morning as I crawled into bed I leaned down and kissed your head and whispered that you have far exceeded my expectations, that you are beyond loved.  Because you are everything I never knew I wanted and more.

I drive down the road and you chatter in the back, giggling at life.  And the tears fill my eyes as I desperately will them away...because, well, I have to drive.  As they recede back to the ducts, I whisper about how much I love you, about how I hope you'll always know that.

This mama thing is hard.  My heart hurts most days because I know this time is fleeting.  That these days, these beautiful, amazing days will rush away into you growing up and I'm not sure I'll ever be ready for that. And then I feel like the Grinch with my heart expanding and it being amazing and scary.  The one thing I know for sure is that I never could have imagined that one so little would make me grow so much.

Each day is a constant stream of thought to put the book down, to shut the phone off and to just soak in everything about you that day.  So I set the book aside and I fly you through the air.  I shut the phone off and just giggle with you.  I'm learning to see the delight in the small things, the delight you find so easily.

There will never be another child like you.  A baby still, who people we know about town, but whose names we don't even know seem to just love.  A man telling us he just couldn't stop talking about you, about this super happy, smiling baby.  The cafe people who stop to tell you how you're their favorite or how they've missed you recently.

I pray that you continue to be full of joy.  That life hands you lemons, but that you always enjoy citron presses.  I don't wish it to always be easy.  I think adversity will build your character beautifully.  But I do pray hard that you don't stray from this path you seem to dance along.

You are my beautiful, joyful Smoosh.  And I love you.

Love,
Mama

Sweet Smooshy

Lately, your daddy has been able to get you to fall asleep in his arms deeply enough that he can lay you down in your crib to nap.  And if gives us usually only a half hour, but a half hour that we can use to spend together or clean up with all 4 hands (rather than 1 of us being preoccupied with you and your silliness). 

But the other night he did it at bed time.  He turned on the monitor and came upstairs and we could hear you sleeping away.  I had a hard time getting to sleep that night.  And when a little over an hour and a half later you awoke, I was more than ready for cuddles.  I don't think either of us are really ready to sleep without the other.

The same thing happened tonight, only it was before I was going to bed.  You were asleep in your crib and your daddy and I got to watch t.v. all by ourselves.  But the second I heard you crying, I rushed down and could see you outlined, standing in your crib, crying.  I scooped you up and smooched on you and brought you upstairs, where upon arrival you started to nurse, only to immediately drift back to sleep.

It won't always be like this.  These moments will go so quickly and no amount of me wanting to slow time down seems to be doing so.  I wish that to stop your tears at any point in your life it was as easy as swooping you up and loving on you.  But since that's not possible.  Since someday down the road your tears will simply have to be cried, and the hurts felt, I'll take the moments in. 

I love you.
Mama