Dear Empress Eleanor,
I love you. At 7 months old you are small but mighty. You get excited and begin scrambling to crawl up and over me. And when you want something, you can overpower me and literally force your way to it. You have begun to really enjoy getting tickled and there are lots of peals of laughter. And you recently pushed yourself up, arms straight. Once you can get your knees under you we'll be in trouble!
I love that you and I continue to share a really close bond. That you love to just stare up at me when I'm wearing you, or just look at me in the mornings and smile. And lately you've begun to grab my head, turn it how you want it and lay a smooch on me.
You are thriving, no matter what your weight tells. You are considered the "smiliest baby ever" by so many people. You are strong. And smart. You seem to be picking up new skills almost daily (which terrifies me a bit). And I love getting to just watch you watch the world.
Love,
Mama
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Monday, June 11, 2012
Enduring
Today I've questioned my ability and my desire to be a mother. So many people tell us that we're amazing parents and that we definitely seem to love this. And most of the time, I do. Most of the time I look at you, my sweet, smiling daughter and my heart swells and I love being your mama.
And then there are days like today. Days where I find myself just wishing you wouldn't need me so much, that you'd shutup and stop fussing, and that for the love of God why can't you find comfort in your daddy's arms the same as mine. Where you won't nap or play by yourself. Where I shout and snap and can't seem to catch a break. And I cry and you laugh because everything I do you delight in.
I feel so in over my head. I work so hard to pump an extra few ounces in between feedings, terrified you aren't getting enough, only to discover you really don't like taking a bottle. I used to dream of a plump little roly poly baby and now I spend most days stressing over how slender you are.
Some day you're going to be a mama and you'll read this and understand. Never have I loved something that pushes me so far to my limits of endurance. I don't know why God made me your mama, and I am sure I'll fail often. But I am determined to do the best I can.
And then there are days like today. Days where I find myself just wishing you wouldn't need me so much, that you'd shutup and stop fussing, and that for the love of God why can't you find comfort in your daddy's arms the same as mine. Where you won't nap or play by yourself. Where I shout and snap and can't seem to catch a break. And I cry and you laugh because everything I do you delight in.
I feel so in over my head. I work so hard to pump an extra few ounces in between feedings, terrified you aren't getting enough, only to discover you really don't like taking a bottle. I used to dream of a plump little roly poly baby and now I spend most days stressing over how slender you are.
Some day you're going to be a mama and you'll read this and understand. Never have I loved something that pushes me so far to my limits of endurance. I don't know why God made me your mama, and I am sure I'll fail often. But I am determined to do the best I can.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Vanity Fair
My daughter is the future wicked queen from Snow White. I can almost picture her demanding from the mirror to know that she is the prettiest in the land. And I'm just hoping she doesn't decide I'm competition and send a huntsman for me in some sort of weird fairy tale twist.
Nora, my love, I record these moments because I want you to know what you were like as a small baby. Ridiculously funny would be the best description. You were in your exersaucer turning yourself upside down to gaze at yourself in the mirror behind you. Repeatedly. Your daddy and I joke that you've yet to meet a mirror you don't like.
At times this makes things super easy. I can cheer you up just by getting in front of a mirror and making faces at you.
I want to raise a daughter who knows that she is worth more than her looks. That her value comes from her mind and her heart. That you are amazing aside from your cuteness.
But you are pretty stinkin' cute!
Nora, my love, I record these moments because I want you to know what you were like as a small baby. Ridiculously funny would be the best description. You were in your exersaucer turning yourself upside down to gaze at yourself in the mirror behind you. Repeatedly. Your daddy and I joke that you've yet to meet a mirror you don't like.
At times this makes things super easy. I can cheer you up just by getting in front of a mirror and making faces at you.
I want to raise a daughter who knows that she is worth more than her looks. That her value comes from her mind and her heart. That you are amazing aside from your cuteness.
But you are pretty stinkin' cute!
Monday, April 9, 2012
Why We Co-Sleep With Nora*
*Or, "How we became the accidental co-sleepers."
Before Eleanor was born, G and I discussed it thoroughly and we both agreed that having her next to the bed for the first several months was important. But, as many know, when Nora was born she had super high hemoglobin levels, which ended up with 2 different hospital stays for jaundice. I spent a lot of time crying, terrified. On the way to the hospital at one point, I remember sitting in the back, stroking my listless newborn's head, absolutely afraid she was going to have permanent damage.
So needless to say, it was a rough time. On top of everything else, she loves to sleep, and waking her for the feedings---necessary to get the jaundice levels down, as the fluids flush it out---was a nightmare. We even tried touching her with cold ice cubes, and she batted them away. Eventually, out of sheer exhaustion, I fell asleep with her in the bed early one morning while nursing. I woke up, saw she was still in our bed, and freaked out. I was afraid of rolling over on her, of killing my own child accidentally. But I realized that physically, because of the way we have her, it was impossible to do so. And she was calm, sleeping peacefully (rather than her normal fitful sleep). We decided to try just having her in bed, in a certain position on my arm. And it worked.
Each day I wake up to a little one who is wide eyed, staring at me. As soon as she sees my eyes open she grins and I start to sing "Good Morning" from Singing in the Rain. "Good morning, goood mooorning, you slept the whole night through, good morning, good morning to yoooouuu!" She is joyful, smiling bigger, her dimples getting deep and her eyes crinkling like her daddy's.
We love having her in bed. Garret says he's surprised but that he loves having her with us. Yes, it means she's used to falling asleep with me, so for naps I have to lie with her, nurse her. But once she's out I can generally get up and do other things. We know that if we have a second child any time in the near future it means 2 in bed. I used to wonder how on earth we'd get a kid out if we let them start, but realize (from those other co-sleepers I know) that it's a natural progression...that some day she'll be excited about her own bed. And then I'll have to train her to come crawl in bed after her daddy leaves so that I can wake up to her happy face!
For now her nursery sits, pretty much empty. We've got plans to transform it into a playroom, with a toddler bed for naps and the day she eventually wants to try out a night on her own. But for now? Well I'm just delighting in having this bond with her....and to never ever waking up to a crying baby!
Before Eleanor was born, G and I discussed it thoroughly and we both agreed that having her next to the bed for the first several months was important. But, as many know, when Nora was born she had super high hemoglobin levels, which ended up with 2 different hospital stays for jaundice. I spent a lot of time crying, terrified. On the way to the hospital at one point, I remember sitting in the back, stroking my listless newborn's head, absolutely afraid she was going to have permanent damage.
So needless to say, it was a rough time. On top of everything else, she loves to sleep, and waking her for the feedings---necessary to get the jaundice levels down, as the fluids flush it out---was a nightmare. We even tried touching her with cold ice cubes, and she batted them away. Eventually, out of sheer exhaustion, I fell asleep with her in the bed early one morning while nursing. I woke up, saw she was still in our bed, and freaked out. I was afraid of rolling over on her, of killing my own child accidentally. But I realized that physically, because of the way we have her, it was impossible to do so. And she was calm, sleeping peacefully (rather than her normal fitful sleep). We decided to try just having her in bed, in a certain position on my arm. And it worked.
Each day I wake up to a little one who is wide eyed, staring at me. As soon as she sees my eyes open she grins and I start to sing "Good Morning" from Singing in the Rain. "Good morning, goood mooorning, you slept the whole night through, good morning, good morning to yoooouuu!" She is joyful, smiling bigger, her dimples getting deep and her eyes crinkling like her daddy's.
We love having her in bed. Garret says he's surprised but that he loves having her with us. Yes, it means she's used to falling asleep with me, so for naps I have to lie with her, nurse her. But once she's out I can generally get up and do other things. We know that if we have a second child any time in the near future it means 2 in bed. I used to wonder how on earth we'd get a kid out if we let them start, but realize (from those other co-sleepers I know) that it's a natural progression...that some day she'll be excited about her own bed. And then I'll have to train her to come crawl in bed after her daddy leaves so that I can wake up to her happy face!
For now her nursery sits, pretty much empty. We've got plans to transform it into a playroom, with a toddler bed for naps and the day she eventually wants to try out a night on her own. But for now? Well I'm just delighting in having this bond with her....and to never ever waking up to a crying baby!
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Dear Nora,
You are the bees knees, kid. You laughed so loud and hard today it shocked me and I began to giggle hysterically in the middle of Starbucks.
I pray every day that we will continue to have a tight bond as you get older. You currently think I'm the best thing since milkies, and me just looking your way causes you to grin. I spend a lot of time smooching on you, which you also are a bit in love with.
I love our time together. Our long walks. Our time curled up in the morning just chatting. Getting to wear you as I clean and cook. I can't wait until we can bake cookies or go to the park. (You currently are unimpressed by swings.)
I sometimes wonder how on earth we'll ever convince ourselves to have another. You're our Smooshy, the loveliest thing we've ever known. You are sweetness personified and one of the best things I have ever done.
Mama loves you.
You are the bees knees, kid. You laughed so loud and hard today it shocked me and I began to giggle hysterically in the middle of Starbucks.
I pray every day that we will continue to have a tight bond as you get older. You currently think I'm the best thing since milkies, and me just looking your way causes you to grin. I spend a lot of time smooching on you, which you also are a bit in love with.
I love our time together. Our long walks. Our time curled up in the morning just chatting. Getting to wear you as I clean and cook. I can't wait until we can bake cookies or go to the park. (You currently are unimpressed by swings.)
I sometimes wonder how on earth we'll ever convince ourselves to have another. You're our Smooshy, the loveliest thing we've ever known. You are sweetness personified and one of the best things I have ever done.
Mama loves you.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
3 Months Old
I cannot believe you are 3 months old now. I have loved every second, the good, the bad, the really ugly. You are truly a joy and a blessing.
Right now you are curled up right next to me asleep. You love to sleep. Almost as much as you love to eat. I watch you breathe and it's this miraculous little thing that calms me.
You're funny. Really funny. You crack up all the time. You jabber all the time. (Sometimes yelling at random people angrily.) Your new favorite thing is to chew on my hand while it's under your bib, gnawing at it. (So glad you don't have teeth yet!)
You have great vision for a baby your age, and you get upset if you can't see things. You'll stand on my lap to get a better view and look around. I love how you'll be independent...as long as I'm around.
You're still a mama's girl. I kind of love it. Daddy isn't sure what to think about it. You will stare at me and wait for me to look and smile and then you break into a grin that makes anything bad about my day wash away.
I want time to stop, to freeze, and yet to hurry up and get where you are talking. Will it always be like this? Wanting to not let go of these moments while also enjoying future milestones. Not sure of anything except I love you to the moon and back my little snail.
Right now you are curled up right next to me asleep. You love to sleep. Almost as much as you love to eat. I watch you breathe and it's this miraculous little thing that calms me.
You're funny. Really funny. You crack up all the time. You jabber all the time. (Sometimes yelling at random people angrily.) Your new favorite thing is to chew on my hand while it's under your bib, gnawing at it. (So glad you don't have teeth yet!)
You have great vision for a baby your age, and you get upset if you can't see things. You'll stand on my lap to get a better view and look around. I love how you'll be independent...as long as I'm around.
You're still a mama's girl. I kind of love it. Daddy isn't sure what to think about it. You will stare at me and wait for me to look and smile and then you break into a grin that makes anything bad about my day wash away.
I want time to stop, to freeze, and yet to hurry up and get where you are talking. Will it always be like this? Wanting to not let go of these moments while also enjoying future milestones. Not sure of anything except I love you to the moon and back my little snail.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Nursing On Demand
I'm having to type this slowly as you have somewhat broken yourself of your pacifier habit...you'd much prefer me. I nurse you on demand, and thank God each day that you have always preferred to sleep through the night. But lately you use me like your binky, preferring to fall asleep while nursing.
Nursing on demand for us means that you get fed all throughout the day while your daddy is as work. Sometimes it's a few hours in between, sometimes it's every half hour. But I will concede that you will let it go 4-5 hours while we're out and about (usually because you like a nice long nap in the late afternoon/early evening). You're so skinny it makes me wonder where it's all going, but then again you are over 2 feet long and growing, so it spreads out a lot!
I love being able to nurse you. Your daddy likes to lay near us in the evenings, to talk aloud about how much he loves how you stare up at me. You currently are a mama's girl through and through and will laugh or smile if you catch site of me at any time. The curves of me fit you perfectly, and you love nothing more than to scoot across the sheets until you are curled up into me and then fall asleep. You prefer to slouch on my shoulder when you're feeling testy, to look about the world, but only from the safety of me.
It's beautiful. You're are beautiful. Sweetness personified, as I always say. So this on demand thing, it will be fleeting. Some day I'm going to look back and wish for more time.
I love you.
Nursing on demand for us means that you get fed all throughout the day while your daddy is as work. Sometimes it's a few hours in between, sometimes it's every half hour. But I will concede that you will let it go 4-5 hours while we're out and about (usually because you like a nice long nap in the late afternoon/early evening). You're so skinny it makes me wonder where it's all going, but then again you are over 2 feet long and growing, so it spreads out a lot!
I love being able to nurse you. Your daddy likes to lay near us in the evenings, to talk aloud about how much he loves how you stare up at me. You currently are a mama's girl through and through and will laugh or smile if you catch site of me at any time. The curves of me fit you perfectly, and you love nothing more than to scoot across the sheets until you are curled up into me and then fall asleep. You prefer to slouch on my shoulder when you're feeling testy, to look about the world, but only from the safety of me.
It's beautiful. You're are beautiful. Sweetness personified, as I always say. So this on demand thing, it will be fleeting. Some day I'm going to look back and wish for more time.
I love you.
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